Getting old

Sometime in the recent past I realized that I am old.  I think it was when I turned to the mirror and really looked at my face – and my belly.  I usually look away after a shower.  I take my shower before breakfast and an empty stomach shouldn’t be tempted.  I’m old and I know it.  When do most people think that they are old?

The Pew Research Center did a survey and found that 79% of the respondents said that when you turn 85, you are old.  They were probably all under 84.  I reached 70 this week.  Regardless of what those folks think, I know I’m old.  And here’s how I know.  

I know because certain criteria has evolved to tell us we’re old.  For instance, the first and most important one is that pretty young girls go blind in the presence of an old man.  I’m not sure  how it happens.  But they just don’t see us anymore.

Another criteria is that when you take a shower, it sends out a signal to everyone you know that you’re indisposed.  There must be a protocol that I don’t understand, but each person takes a turn calling you on a phone that’s out of your reach.  I don’t know what tweeting is but I’ll bet it has something to do with that shower signal.

The next one has to do with computers.  There are little creatures that live in computers owned by older people.  If you look old when you buy a computer, they install these little things.  When you bring it home and hook it up, they come to life.  I think it’s the electricity.  Their job is to make sure that you receive screen messages that you don’t understand.  The one that scares me is “Fatal Error”.  That doesn’t mean that you’re going to be executed.  I think it means that you’ve committed a grave computer sin and you’ll have to answer for it at the Pearly Gates – or maybe it’s to Bill Gates.

You’ll find another criteria in the movies.  I love the movies.  Although I hate the ones with all the noise and violence.  In the old days, you could watch and listen to one movie at a time.  Now the one you’re watching is being drowned out by the noise coming from the movies on either side of the auditorium that you’re in.  This is usually a signal to the older couple sitting behind you to start talking louder while they explain the movie to each other.  This is not all bad because sometimes I miss what the actors are saying and I listen in to their conversation to catch up.  We all leave the movie confused.

One of my favorite signs of old age is when I get together with my older friends.  We have a ritual.  First we say how bad we feel for an absent friend who just had an operation.  Then we each take a turn telling the group about our most recent health problems.  If you don’t have a recent one, you can talk about the last one but only twice.  Then people look away and start talking to each other while you’re explaining how much pain you suffered.  The person who tells about the most serious health problem wins.  But there are no prizes.

I guess I shouldn’t concern myself too much with the definition of being old.  I know people who say that you’re only as old as you feel.  That’s a very scary thought.  Because sometimes I feel very old.  But sometimes I wake up and think how lucky I am to have lived this long.  Lots of people don’t make it to my age.  The alterative is really not very appealing.  Well, I can’t do anything about it anyway.  And if I could, I probably wouldn’t want to change my age.  Ha!

Robert DeFilippis